4th wks in AnE

Today is the 4th week I've been working in AnE, time really fly. Next wk I will be starting on my shift work.

Anyway need to update what have been going on for the past 2 wks.

For work, I've learned a lot and meet many new pple, but so far, im not close to any of them. Although there are these few male Doctors who can chit chat a bit with me.... But yet... got no friends there...

BGR, even WORST, almost quarrel everytime we see each other. Ever since we patch back. Things are not the same, we started the worst quarrel on that issue DOWNGRADED and DUN LOVE me.... Because on that, we have more scar in our relationship. My "BEST FRENs" may advise me to break up and stuffs like that, but I still hanging on, cause I believe that, as long as we still have some feeling for each other, this can be solved.

Friday nite, we met up in PS and had a big fight... Y? cos I met her straight after my work and I wore shorts and T shirt.... and she comments on it... saying that she wear so formal and I wear so Lock cock... look weird... Shit man... Sometimes I really dun understand, SG is so freaking small and what i wear wont affect my quality, say if I'm a prof and I dress up like that go Orchard road... who will give a damn, even Lee KY also wear Lock Cock Lock Cock one... Y must I wear nice nice everytime? I'm lazy can????????????

Fish it... I just wear nicer everytime i meet her then, since she dun understand my point of view or how a car owner think....

Sat night, we had a converstaion and I realise that she is someone I dunno.... what I mean? she keep so many secrets from me and I dun even know her well, all along I've been telling her almost everything, 99% of me? I even gave her my ATM card, atm password, house keys and stuffs like that, to me, she is my wife, the only girl I love. But after all I dunno this girl, whom I'm so deeply in love with. Who is she? how come there are so many things I'm not aware of, she never tell me all these.... I made her promised to me that she will share all her problems with me and I also promised that I will not bully her. Most impt thing, I told her, I will not get jealous over her BOSS, her good friend???? honestly im too xiao ren and xiao qi... to me He is a Basket.... Wei Jun Zi.... cheat small girl feeling... hmmm cheating small gal... isnt it what I'm doing??? well... so if he is a basket then im a bastard.... 50 steps laughing at 100 steps. Hope he will read this and understand he got a daughter and a wife, he's divorced I guess... so dun act as if he know how to handle other pple's gf. Dun talk about this stupid guy, make my hand even more painful...

Why is it painful?

Cause I made promises on Sat and I broke them on Sunday, so I hate myself so much and I hit myself a few times, punch the wall a few times while getting mad... and that's y these injuries are substained... Pain... and I deserve it.... so no complain... anyone sayang me? hand pain la...

Sunday, we meet up in late afternoon, went to army makert and the new national library. everything goes smoothly, nothing much, but suddenly I turned into a monster... y? cos Im such a thief, I took her handphone and read her inbox and sent item.

inbox got this Mr K... her gd fren aka boss asking her out, telling her how nice is the good in katong... sent item such as... dun call me, sms me only.. hope ur daugther still rem me... eating dessert, which u ate before ba ba ba ba ba. DESSERT u ate before? holly shit... what the fish? I've not even got chance to talk to her mum and this guy even eat dessert made by her??? Dun want have family day, dun see my cute little baby xin yi but rem other pple's daughter.... FISH CAKE~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh god... someone kill me pls.... at that point of them, Jealousy king like me... will get super HOT... never scold her... but just hate myself, y i peep at the handphone, this is stealing.... cannot read her phone without her promission.....

Frankly speaking, I still very the DuLan her boss till now. Is there any medicine for me... so that I can cue this jealousy problem? In judo, or any kind of martial arts, we learn Xin, Ji, Ti, means Heart, Skills and Body. My heart aka Mind is totally childish.... actually I know that she treat him as a good friend and maybe he just treating her as a small sister, but as a leo.... I cannot tahan this to be happened.. cos my gal is being touched...

See, from what I have done on Sunday, I fully broken all the promises rite? dun get jealous.... GONE. Dun bully her, by showing her my Fock face is worst than physically bully her, so that's y I hurt myself....

Crazy guy rite?

Is there any comments??? What should I do????
plsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

How come I dun have bosses call or sms me after work, or during my off day to find out where am I, what am I doing and stuffs like that.... Is there any girls other there can help me?? everytime I go dating with her, pls, by all means keep calling me and sms me, and tell me u care about me... so she maybe able to know how I feel inside... of cos... she must love me deeply... like wat i do... Love her very much, but dun trust her.... so afraid of losing her... after the 1st break off, our relationship really seems to be very fargile..... Can we do something about it?? sigh...

I like to have full control in BGR, but she hate restrain, she want me to trust her and I'm a person who dun even trust myself...

Anyway for my dresscode... I bo chap... I still wear lousy lousy one, but when I meet her, got to wear nicer ba..... her boss, as long as I trust her, believe that she knows what she's doing and dun GUESS that she's having monkey biz behind my back, should be alright...

Now need to let the wound heal, really need a lot of time.... coming Friday to Monday she is going thailand with her boss and frens.... sigh... anyway i offer to fetch her on monday, cos she told me her flight will be reaching by 4 30... get back her bags, go DFS buy red wine for me, this and that, 5pm come out... I off work 4 30. drive full speed come down, should be able to reach there around 5... Planning is like that, but whether she will accept my kindless is an other issue... maybe her good fren will offer sending her back? the car so big, can sit up to 6 pple leh....
my cant even sit 4 person....

So friendsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss pls adivse me what should I do? kill myself? or? if not I will be keep hurting her and that's something I dun wanna to happen, I love her so much but yet hurting her very much....