4th wks in AnE

Today is the 4th week I've been working in AnE, time really fly. Next wk I will be starting on my shift work.

Anyway need to update what have been going on for the past 2 wks.

For work, I've learned a lot and meet many new pple, but so far, im not close to any of them. Although there are these few male Doctors who can chit chat a bit with me.... But yet... got no friends there...

BGR, even WORST, almost quarrel everytime we see each other. Ever since we patch back. Things are not the same, we started the worst quarrel on that issue DOWNGRADED and DUN LOVE me.... Because on that, we have more scar in our relationship. My "BEST FRENs" may advise me to break up and stuffs like that, but I still hanging on, cause I believe that, as long as we still have some feeling for each other, this can be solved.

Friday nite, we met up in PS and had a big fight... Y? cos I met her straight after my work and I wore shorts and T shirt.... and she comments on it... saying that she wear so formal and I wear so Lock cock... look weird... Shit man... Sometimes I really dun understand, SG is so freaking small and what i wear wont affect my quality, say if I'm a prof and I dress up like that go Orchard road... who will give a damn, even Lee KY also wear Lock Cock Lock Cock one... Y must I wear nice nice everytime? I'm lazy can????????????

Fish it... I just wear nicer everytime i meet her then, since she dun understand my point of view or how a car owner think....

Sat night, we had a converstaion and I realise that she is someone I dunno.... what I mean? she keep so many secrets from me and I dun even know her well, all along I've been telling her almost everything, 99% of me? I even gave her my ATM card, atm password, house keys and stuffs like that, to me, she is my wife, the only girl I love. But after all I dunno this girl, whom I'm so deeply in love with. Who is she? how come there are so many things I'm not aware of, she never tell me all these.... I made her promised to me that she will share all her problems with me and I also promised that I will not bully her. Most impt thing, I told her, I will not get jealous over her BOSS, her good friend???? honestly im too xiao ren and xiao qi... to me He is a Basket.... Wei Jun Zi.... cheat small girl feeling... hmmm cheating small gal... isnt it what I'm doing??? well... so if he is a basket then im a bastard.... 50 steps laughing at 100 steps. Hope he will read this and understand he got a daughter and a wife, he's divorced I guess... so dun act as if he know how to handle other pple's gf. Dun talk about this stupid guy, make my hand even more painful...

Why is it painful?

Cause I made promises on Sat and I broke them on Sunday, so I hate myself so much and I hit myself a few times, punch the wall a few times while getting mad... and that's y these injuries are substained... Pain... and I deserve it.... so no complain... anyone sayang me? hand pain la...

Sunday, we meet up in late afternoon, went to army makert and the new national library. everything goes smoothly, nothing much, but suddenly I turned into a monster... y? cos Im such a thief, I took her handphone and read her inbox and sent item.

inbox got this Mr K... her gd fren aka boss asking her out, telling her how nice is the good in katong... sent item such as... dun call me, sms me only.. hope ur daugther still rem me... eating dessert, which u ate before ba ba ba ba ba. DESSERT u ate before? holly shit... what the fish? I've not even got chance to talk to her mum and this guy even eat dessert made by her??? Dun want have family day, dun see my cute little baby xin yi but rem other pple's daughter.... FISH CAKE~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh god... someone kill me pls.... at that point of them, Jealousy king like me... will get super HOT... never scold her... but just hate myself, y i peep at the handphone, this is stealing.... cannot read her phone without her promission.....

Frankly speaking, I still very the DuLan her boss till now. Is there any medicine for me... so that I can cue this jealousy problem? In judo, or any kind of martial arts, we learn Xin, Ji, Ti, means Heart, Skills and Body. My heart aka Mind is totally childish.... actually I know that she treat him as a good friend and maybe he just treating her as a small sister, but as a leo.... I cannot tahan this to be happened.. cos my gal is being touched...

See, from what I have done on Sunday, I fully broken all the promises rite? dun get jealous.... GONE. Dun bully her, by showing her my Fock face is worst than physically bully her, so that's y I hurt myself....

Crazy guy rite?

Is there any comments??? What should I do????
plsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

How come I dun have bosses call or sms me after work, or during my off day to find out where am I, what am I doing and stuffs like that.... Is there any girls other there can help me?? everytime I go dating with her, pls, by all means keep calling me and sms me, and tell me u care about me... so she maybe able to know how I feel inside... of cos... she must love me deeply... like wat i do... Love her very much, but dun trust her.... so afraid of losing her... after the 1st break off, our relationship really seems to be very fargile..... Can we do something about it?? sigh...

I like to have full control in BGR, but she hate restrain, she want me to trust her and I'm a person who dun even trust myself...

Anyway for my dresscode... I bo chap... I still wear lousy lousy one, but when I meet her, got to wear nicer ba..... her boss, as long as I trust her, believe that she knows what she's doing and dun GUESS that she's having monkey biz behind my back, should be alright...

Now need to let the wound heal, really need a lot of time.... coming Friday to Monday she is going thailand with her boss and frens.... sigh... anyway i offer to fetch her on monday, cos she told me her flight will be reaching by 4 30... get back her bags, go DFS buy red wine for me, this and that, 5pm come out... I off work 4 30. drive full speed come down, should be able to reach there around 5... Planning is like that, but whether she will accept my kindless is an other issue... maybe her good fren will offer sending her back? the car so big, can sit up to 6 pple leh....
my cant even sit 4 person....

So friendsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss pls adivse me what should I do? kill myself? or? if not I will be keep hurting her and that's something I dun wanna to happen, I love her so much but yet hurting her very much....

Let go of my pride...

Well, once again, horoscope is scary.... look

Quickie:Pride is your trademark ... but know when to let it slide. Ego clashes won't help.Overview:If you're cranky, try not to take it out on your current companion -- even if they have been overdoing the 'adoring admirer' thing to such an extent that you're not sure you can stand seeing them again right now.

AND

You're ready to stop trying to convince the world that you're unique, unusual, and decisive. You may even be ready to choose a partner in crime who's just as entertaining and fiery as you are. Finally. The thing is that the disappointment you'll feel about counting on someone who made you believe you'd be spending a lot more time together will be fierce. Oh, well. You're a lion. You'll get over it, and a happy ending is right around the corner, anyway.

Wow.... what they trying to say man? Esp when I have disagreement with her again... Anyway I believe that she is someone who worth the time I've spent...

My department require me to forecast my 2006 leave by 16. meaning I got to tell them when I want to take leave... but this kind of thing... cannot be forecast one leh....

Anyway I'd choose Feb, May and Nov. if only I can change my HK ID in FEB. Anyway I just email and check with them if I can do it earlier.....
I wanna bring her to HK... go tour with her... see how la... see if our dream can come thru...

Just sent a few resume out. why? cos I need an office hour job to study my degree... rite now. shift work is too unstable.... Wish me luck k. my frens?

Went for a 5km run... sleep now......

Getting a New car?

COE cut 10k last wk....

Should I change a new car? since my car is paying almost 600 dollars for installment monthly...

Anyway went to the temple just now, wanted to fetch her. But she wanted me to stay at home... So in the end didn't manage to meet her...
She rather took a cab.... I was just nearby... at Loyang... Anyway We had a chat thru phone and I'm so petty, talk about the down graded things again...

I tot I promised myself to trust her and love her as usual. Why should I care and make her unhappy. Sorry can't heal our wound.

If our relationship still carry on, I wish that time can heal and she can learn not to become so stubborn. Why must she keep thinking on the negative side?

We patch back should be more lovely..... Why??? To me, when we patch back, means I really treat her as the gal I want in my life, love her and so on. But get an answer as downgraded... dun love me.... So being xiao qi, I keep thinking that she shouldn't say things like that.

No matter what, i will become very busy in work too. So she need not worry that she got to waste time on me and neglect her family, work and studies... Cos a staff nurse will never have personal time, wont have any weekend off... off day will be in those odd odd day, shift are those odd odd hours. can't even fetch her...

that's y I insist to meet her just now, cos I know I wont have the time for that in future. Pay for Taxi... must well pay for me.... ha ha.........

I guess I'm too tired... things dun make sense anymore.

Just now went to loyang temple, pray for her tmr's interview. So, good luck for the interview. Consider changing a new job ba.

I'll do my own stuffs, try not to call or sms her, cos she's busy... give her more personal time. Hope that she will not hate me so much and further down grade me.

What a new week?

This morning, I got a shock when my brother called me... he told me that mum need to send to SGH AnE. My work place???

At the moment I really feel worry, can't concentrate on work. After that, I went out as part of the field team to recieve a pt from SOMEWHERE.... When I get back, saw my mum at the AnE department. I was busy at work and let other to attend to her. Luckily everything goes smoothly and the eye dr did a very nice ops to take out the FB in her eye.

SMS HER whole day, but no reply from her. She refused to call me also. sigh... ya la... I should've call her instead. I brought up a point about the things she said yesterday, down graded and no feeling... If she said like that... must well become fren? better isn't it? Dun need to avoid me... like so scare of me.... Anyway Just now she said something like... U THINK we can go back to the situation as before but only the difference of not spending so much time with me.... something like that.... well, Love is not like that ba....

Actually I wanna know, how much I weigh in her heart? she said jealousy can kill.. ok, I will learn to put in 100% trust. But will I get hurt again?

Most impt thing is how to solve the FEELING faded problem... FEELING is something cannot be measure, I really dun wish to force her, cause feeling is something come naturally.... not by donation....

Last Sat, she said she dunno y I so pissed off... of cos... I only got these 2 or 3 wks having weekend off, after that I will get to work shift.... means I got no more SUNDAY off... cant even go and meet her every wk...
and she just dun wanna spend time with me... yes... she need to acc her mother, but I only left with 2 wks... after that, even she wanted to see me, I may not have the time.

Right now, I got to learn how not to get jealous so easily.... Even her Fren A keep sms her, I got to understand, SHE never initial all these sms.. is that guy wanna do something funny. For her boss, even he called her wrongly or sms her asked if she had dinner stuffs like that, he's just being a nice boss. I really need to learn how to see things in the bright side.

Ok... stop all my rubbish. need to sleep now, almost 2am again. need to orh orh...

I just wish that she can understand me more and I will think on her position more. Stop all the jealous rubbish. learn how to give her 100% trust. Cause she hate pple restraint her. So I shouldn't control her. Well, still love her as much and will take care of her. provided she allow me....

I will pray b4 I sleep, pray hard that her coming interviews are fine. Find the job she want.

2nd wk of work

Later, once I wake up, need to go for work... Is my 2nd wk of work...
so tiring and so much to learn. But I believe I can do it one.

Here this is for YOU I know u will read this... maybe tmr? or later...
anyway this afternoon, kinda quarrel with her agian. Actually the wk when we patched back, things changed.
We have some scars here n there...
This pm, she told me that, I've down graded in her heart and she just dun love me like last time...
or can say, feeling faded... I'm so naive. thought if we can patch back. feeling should be there.
Seems like I'm wrong.
She still dun feel that way....

To me, when she come back to me, i wanted treat her even better, love her more and really thinking of marry her. I guess I didn't think in her position.... She's still young and may not wanna settle so early, dun wanna get tied down..

I sms her just now. telling her I get hurted by her words. EG. feeling faded... only LIKE me...

Honestly, is there anything I can do to win her heart back?

No matter wat, I will still be there for her. Loving her, taking care of her. If she wanna become fren, to me is alright. But she ever told me... once break up, can't even be fren.... need to be so stubborn?

I'm really sad now. Hope that wont affect my work later....

2am now, need to sleep, good night to myself....

1st day of work

Today, is my 1st day of work, reached there 8am... I didn't know 7 40 started ERP... got to get fine.... SAD....

Tired day today, but I'm confident that I can be a good nurse and see where I stand after 5 years, meanwhile will look out for other opportunity for a better pay job.

Just saw her BLOG, my god... I hurt her again in such a way....

""Such a perfect girl can have a new relationship very soon, maybe in weeks? she will have a better BF."Weeks..... nice one.... Now i understand why people will think that there is a third party between us when there is not. When a relationship breaks, there are many reasons to it. Not necesarily a third party. Maybe people nowadays are too complicated, that's why the idea came about.""

See, I'm sure she will get sad..... I'm sorry dear, here I swear to you that, I will trust you and try to change myself not to get jealous so easily. ok. I promise. As for u were saying, u understand why pple think there is a third party.... When quarrel time... you sound like suddenly lost interest in me.... This one hor... to many pple means there's a chance that you chance your mind... dun love me anymore... or like other guys.... I guess is normal for a guy or gal to think this way...

We always do not understand that sometimes things we have done may cause the feeling to be faded slowly. Cause when we look at it... usually is the time for having a big quarrel... like what we did. Why you changed so much? why you never sense it. things like that... ba ba ba... Why you SUDDENLY say feeling gone...

I guess that's why pple always think there's a 3rd party lor... correct me if im wrong.

Anyway, right now, what I got to do is work hard and earn more $, for my degree and to have a better life. So can let her to be a tai tai, like my ma ma... stay at home, go shopping only, ha ha ha

Now, PLANNING to go HK or taiwan next year, either Feb or March, see when both of us be free, try not to go in sch holiday. cheaper and not so crowded.

I love you dear. Sorry if I said something wrong.

Found a NEW GF

So happy, I've found a NEW gf yesterday. HA HA HA HA HA, a brand new one, got lots of chem...
Super got electricity one. ha ha ha ha. happy happy happy.

1st of all, must thanks HER.

What actually happened? is SHE promised to patch back.

After yesterday dating and conversation. I guess both of us should be closer?

At least I hope that she will tell me everything in future.

I love you always. As I promised, I will treat you better, but tell me what u want me to change k?

Sorry for being too jealous... cos didnt see you for 3 wks... and suddenly scare u will leave me again. So you said one hor... I'm STILL your Number 1 in your heart. dun break my heart again k. KISS. MUACH.

this blog only for u. he he. DUN LAUGH wor... and dun get misunderstanding when you read all the old blog.

they are my true feelings to you. the love which cannot be discribed by words. Hope we can do more things with the saving and that account need not terminate. I really hope we can get together forever... Give me a chance k.

Don't want to sleep

I just back from the temple, went to pray that she will give me one more chance... if she let me patch back with her. I promise, I will treat her much better and love her even deeper....

Once I sleep and wake up... will be sat morning and got to settle the account with her.... that's it... the end for our relationship. I dun want to happen... I really love her.

God, can give me somemore time? and one more chance? Can she stay with me? I really love her very much. I'm sad...

Infact I just cried.... my tears can't stop... I'm so weak, I'm really weaker than what I think. But I cannot show it to her. Cause I know that, if I love her. I should respect her decision and let her do what ever she want. But I'm really painful inside.

Wish her good luck, hope she will meet a good guy and won't get cheated by anyone guy. I really pray for her that. No one will harm her in future.

I'll always be there for you. As long as you tell me you want to come back.

I promise.........